||[Jul. 19th, 2007|10:38 pm]
Its so odd how things work out sometimes..
A day of fun can turn into a complete loss of everything else.
Who would want to be this? Certainly not me.
I've been there, done that and it wasn't fun; does that give me the right to do the same in return?
No it really doesn't, and I have never thought that it justified anything...yet I can't stop it really.
The only way to do it is maybe the way things are now, since everything else seems to just stop me in my tracks and not let me go anywhere.
I tried my hardest to avoid it all but, I guess, it was inevitable.
Puro coraje, as much I hate to say it, that's probably all it is.
The feeling of being miserable is so intertwined in every aspect of all this that when it's not there, something is missing.
Yet it still feels wrong when its back though, which confuses me.
Without it, something is off...but with it, it's still the same.
So which way is there left to turn?
I didn't want to throw things away like this, never did I dream of it.
This isn't what I sat around for 2 years and planned out and hoped for.
I didn't daydream and doze off to think about things like this.
My head was filled with happy things now everything just seems so mediocre.
There's so much anger (and you can say distrust), that it consumes any morsel of happiness or excitiment in anything anymore.
Maybe I waited too long to drop all this, or maybe i'm making the wrong choice...I don't know anymore.
I don't trust myself, but what else is there to do?
I can type on this forever and end up in the same spot.
Confused. Angry. Upset. Betrayed. Lost. Depressed.
None of it goes away no matter how much effot can be put in on any part.
I tried too long for it to be this way.
I attempted to reach a form of perfection I knew I would never achieve, yet was still surprised by the outcome.
I tried so much that everything else jsut self destructed and I feel like any effort now would just be futile or go unnoticed just as it is and always was.
It wasn't fake...it was as real as I could make it, and that was still never good enough.
The real side was never good enough; so if for any reason at all that's what was seen or what everything was taken as, it was not my intention and to this day isnt.
I gave everything I could, and showed any possible emotion, feeling, mood, that I could as well.
If that's being fake then maybe I am...but I really doubt my actions and words lacked sincerity or integrity.
My reality and form of sincerity and honesty were rejected, so honestly if I did become fake without noticing it was for this reason. MY reality, my way of being, was never enough...so this is what it had to become.
Besides...it's not necessarily fake and even if it were, could it not be excused when its being done with good intention? To make another happy? To put someone before you?
Thats all i did...maybe for far too long.
Love is to put the person before you and anything (&anyone) else in almost every aspect, and that is what I did. That is what I believed should be done when you care for someone.
Apparently that wasn't right.
So who's left screwed?
I gave up my happiness and my pride, my heart and soul, for it to not even be worth anything really...because it did not do what it was set out to do.
I've lost myself in everything and didn't even manage to make myself, nor the person I set out to, happy.
I guess people are right when they say you can't make someone else happy or anything of that nature unless you yourself are content and satisfied with the way things are.
Truth is, I was. I'm not denying the fact that I was happy at one point.
It's not all figts.
It's not all arguments.
It was good times as well.
Along the line of all these things though, there were mistakes, and plenty of them...maybe more on some sides than others, but really who's keeping count?
There's no point.
The fact of the matter and the only importance is what came out of the mistakes.
The feelings and scars (not literal) and reactions, and consequences of them all.
In this case, these things were never erased.
As hard as i've tried, they have not left me.
They've left me confused and hurt yes, but left me as in just gone away..out of sight out of mind type thing..they haven't.
That's what kills.
In a very obscure sort of way, I made it into this. If I knew it would've turned out this way and I would've reacted this way to it all this long from back then maybe I shoulve done all this long ago.
Yeah we wouldve lost the few good days we've had since then, but it wouldve saved arguments.
It wouldve saved nights full of cursing and crying and saying things we dont mean.
I suppose it's my own fault for letting it carry on this long if I was only going to react like this, although deep down I know for sure it's not entirely nor mostly my fault.
Still,I dont know anymore.