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[-Teenage Rampage-]

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The reason it still beats.. [Jul. 21st, 2007|05:48 pm]
[Mood: |worriedworried]
[Music: |"Demonology & Heartache" -Atreyu]

linkYou ride on me..

(no subject) [Jul. 19th, 2007|10:38 pm]
[Mood: |pensivepensive]
[Music: |'Bittersweet" -Apocalyptica]

Its so odd how things work out sometimes..
A day of fun can turn into a complete loss of everything else.

Who would want to be this? Certainly not me.

I've been there, done that and it wasn't fun; does that give me the right to do the same in return?
No it really doesn't, and I have never thought that it justified anything...yet I can't stop it really.
The only way to do it is maybe the way things are now, since everything else seems to just stop me in my tracks and not let me go anywhere.

I tried my hardest to avoid it all but, I guess, it was inevitable.
Puro coraje, as much I hate to say it, that's probably all it is.
The feeling of being miserable is so intertwined in every aspect of all this that when it's not there, something is missing.
Yet it still feels wrong when its back though, which confuses me.

Without it, something is off...but with it, it's still the same.
So which way is there left to turn?

I didn't want to throw things away like this, never did I dream of it.
This isn't what I sat around for 2 years and planned out and hoped for.
I didn't daydream and doze off to think about things like this.
My head was filled with happy things now everything just seems so mediocre.
There's so much anger (and you can say distrust), that it consumes any morsel of happiness or excitiment in anything anymore.

Maybe I waited too long to drop all this, or maybe i'm making the wrong choice...I don't know anymore.
I don't trust myself, but what else is there to do?

I can type on this forever and end up in the same spot.
Confused. Angry. Upset. Betrayed. Lost. Depressed.

None of it goes away no matter how much effot can be put in on any part.
I tried too long for it to be this way.
I attempted to reach a form of perfection I knew I would never achieve, yet was still surprised by the outcome.

I tried so much that everything else jsut self destructed and I feel like any effort now would just be futile or go unnoticed just as it is and always was.

It wasn't fake...it was as real as I could make it, and that was still never good enough.
The real side was never good enough; so if for any reason at all that's what was seen or what everything was taken as, it was not my intention and to this day isnt.

I gave everything I could, and showed any possible emotion, feeling, mood, that I could as well.
If that's being fake then maybe I am...but I really doubt my actions and words lacked sincerity or integrity.

My reality and form of sincerity and honesty were rejected, so honestly if I did become fake without noticing it was for this reason. MY reality, my way of being, was never enough...so this is what it had to become.

Besides...it's not necessarily fake and even if it were, could it not be excused when its being done with good intention? To make another happy? To put someone before you?

Thats all i did...maybe for far too long.

Love is to put the person before you and anything (&anyone) else in almost every aspect, and that is what I did. That is what I believed should be done when you care for someone.
Apparently that wasn't right.

So who's left screwed?

I gave up my happiness and my pride, my heart and soul, for it to not even be worth anything really...because it did not do what it was set out to do.

I've lost myself in everything and didn't even manage to make myself, nor the person I set out to, happy.
I guess people are right when they say you can't make someone else happy or anything of that nature unless you yourself are content and satisfied with the way things are.

Truth is, I was. I'm not denying the fact that I was happy at one point.
It's not all figts.
It's not all arguments.
It was good times as well.

Along the line of all these things though, there were mistakes, and plenty of them...maybe more on some sides than others, but really who's keeping count?
There's no point.
The fact of the matter and the only importance is what came out of the mistakes.
The feelings and scars (not literal) and reactions, and consequences of them all.
In this case, these things were never erased.

As hard as i've tried, they have not left me.
They've left me confused and hurt yes, but left me as in just gone away..out of sight out of mind type thing..they haven't.

That's what kills.

In a very obscure sort of way, I made it into this. If I knew it would've turned out this way and I would've reacted this way to it all this long from back then maybe I shoulve done all this long ago.

Yeah we wouldve lost the few good days we've had since then, but it wouldve saved arguments.
It wouldve saved nights full of cursing and crying and saying things we dont mean.

I suppose it's my own fault for letting it carry on this long if I was only going to react like this, although deep down I know for sure it's not entirely nor mostly my fault.
Still,I dont know anymore.
linkYou ride on me..

Bored. [Jul. 16th, 2007|07:20 pm]
[Mood: |hungryhungry]
[Music: |"Born to Lose" -Skeptix]

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops? Not really no.

2. Do you have any weird sleeping habits? I tend to be a bit of an insomniac at times.

3. Whens the last time you swam in a lake? I dont remember.

4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone? Someone else.

5. Where is the Wizard of Oz? Up your ass.

6. Do you consider yourself creative? I guess it would have to depend on what you're talking about.

7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife? Yes.

8. Christina Aguilera or Britney Spears? Neither...although Britney is more thrashy.

9. Do you stay friends with your exes? No.

10. Do you know how to play poker? Yes.

11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight? Yes.

12. What's your favorite commercial? Don't really have one that I can think of at the top of my head.

13. What type of food do you eat the most? Junk food.

14.When was the last time you had a lot of fun? Fuck...umm I dont know.

15. Have you ever had a Choco Taco? A bite of one I think.

16. Who Do You Think Is Better, The Boston Red Sox or the New York Yankees? Don't care.

17. What kind of underwear do you have on? Felix the Cat.

18. How often do you forget your dreams? Almost always, I have a tendency of remembering the ones I wish I could forget.

19. When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried? I dont remember...

20. Can you name 5 songs by N'SYNC? I think I dont really remember tho.

21. What's the one thing on your mind right now? That i'm hungry.

22. Been pierced or tattooed? Pierced..tatted soon hopefully.

23. Do you put salt on a turkey dinner? Um no.

24. Do you always wear your seat belt? Yeah mostly.

25. What cell service do you use? Verizon.

26. Do you like bananas? Sure.

27. Have you almost gotten in a car accident? Not with me driving but yeah.

28. What do you wear to bed? Anything confortable.

29. Been caught stealing? Nope.

30. Do you know how to play pool? Not well i'm sure.

31. Can you play pool well? Nope.

32. Do you truly love anyone? Yeah.

33. Bluegrass or rap? Rap only if it's oldschool shit.

34. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be? I'm not slutty so I would have to say no one but since this IS just a game, Johnny Depp.

35. Skim, 1%, 2%, or whole? Dont really like milk all that much.

36. What food do you find disgusting? Lots of things.

37. Windows or Macintosh? Windows.

38. Did you ever play, "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours"? I dont rememeber, but yeah i'm pretty sure.

39. Been caught having a sexual act? Let's say no.

40. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew? If it made sense to, I would yeah.

41. Have you ever sung in front of the mirror? Eh, I sing when I want mirror or not.
linkYou ride on me..

|| Pause. [Jul. 15th, 2007|01:50 pm]
[Mood: |lonelylonely]
[Music: |"Think for yourself" -The Beatles]


linkYou ride on me..

CC [Jul. 10th, 2007|06:33 pm]
[Mood: |disappointeddisappointed]
[Music: |"Dead to the World" -Caustic Christ]

"Destructive and desperate
what will it take?
what needs to happen to make you see
that you're killing yourself
and destroying me..."

"slower than cancer
but faster than rust
corroding memories
and decaying trust
future visions grow sour
life's flesh is devoured
all love is forgotten
and all faith is lost"
linkYou ride on me..

Memories from better days.. [Jul. 8th, 2007|07:43 pm]
[Mood: |sicksick]
[Music: |"Better Days" -Bouncing Souls]

Just some old fashion fantasy.

linkYou ride on me..

(no subject) [Jul. 2nd, 2007|05:18 pm]
[Mood: |nostalgicnostalgic]
[Music: |"Nothing but a Nightmare- Rudimentary Peni]

It's just like fuel to the flames.

Not a good idea..
linkYou ride on me..

?'s [Jun. 25th, 2007|04:20 pm]
[Mood: |confusedconfused]
[Music: |"My Machete" Tsunami Bomb]

Ok.Collapse )
link1 has sucked my energy You ride on me..

What are we doing? [Jun. 25th, 2007|03:50 pm]
[Mood: |confusedconfused]
[Music: |"Heart in a Cage" -The Strokes]

Everything keeps going back to how it was, no matter which new way we decide to turn. We try and try getting nothing really in return. We've both got our issues, problems, and mannerisms that we just can't get over.

I can say i'll change, but I know I can't.
I can say i'll forget about everything, but I know I won't.

It's all to much now.
I know i'm not perfect, I never really will be and don't expect to be.
When you're with someone though, even through the imperfections and flaws, you see your own view of perfection and are happy with it. I feel you no longer see this, and honestly don't blame you for it.
I'm not the person I once was, i've changed so much; just as you have. It's so much harder to stay happy now....to be fine all the time now.

We say we're done yet back we go again, down the same path. But honestly look down, look at this path...all it is is a circle. We're going nowhere.

Truth is, you're right. I can't take all the honesty about myself, the truth about how things really are.
Honestly though, I know this is the case and I know these truths whether you tell them to me or not, I just choose to ignore them like alot of other things I have chosen to hide from throughout this whole time.

Maybe you need to stop and think, and have it somewhere in your mind that I just may not be the one for you.
I'm not the one you always wanted because if I was, none of this would have ever happened. We wouldn't be this way.

I get so paranoid thinking you'll figure this out someday, but maybe that's all we really need.
You'd be happier with her than you ever were with me, at least now anyway.
They'd be happier too, as much as you can try and deny it.

They can give you what I can't. What I won't give you.
You can get all that right in front of you, everyday, as opposed to havng to wait weeks, months, years, who knows how long 'til I'm able to get out of here or you of there.

I'm not trying to give up on this, or on you for that matter.
It's just better this way.
I don't help you anymore, or make you happy, or make you wonder why everything is so great.
When then again that's what it should be.

I'm more lost than you'd probably think.
I didn't mean for this.

I don't know what we're doing.
I don't know what i'm doing.
linkYou ride on me..

(no subject) [Jun. 13th, 2007|06:43 pm]
[Mood: |pensivepensive]
[Music: |"The Flags Will Cover Coffins" -Aus Rotten]

Wrote this last night...Collapse )

It's odd how things can change so often, whether you plan them or not.
Strange how life can throw so many things in your path, and you can choose to walk over those things, stop dead in your tracks, or choose a new path all together.
It's not always an easy choice..there's alot of things to consider in making your decision.
Not only if the outcome is good for you, but for thsoe around you that you care about.

It'll be happier this way...maybe not now, but maybe down the line you'll thank me for it.
All i've been able to do for you on this sort of situation is hold you back, and it's not supposed to be this way.
I can't change this anymore, it's a part of me now. It won't go away, and I told you this.
I won't understand or get over it, as much as I keep trying...if that would've been the case it would have happened months ago.

I would rather have you happy without me, even if it takes you a while to get accustomed to it, then miserable with me.

It'll just make alot of people happier this way, call me selffish how many ever times you want but that's not the case.

There's so much I can say, and so much I would've said but there's not really a use in it anymore...at least not now anyway..I can't even think straight.
linkYou ride on me..

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